We are all in process. Two steps forward one step back. We have good days and bad days, awful weeks and great months. Life is a journey that often takes crazy turns, and has a ridiculously enormous amount of speed bumps (kinda like my new apartment complex. I mean seriously I feel like I get a minor concussion every time I drive through. They are like every 30 feet.)
Looking back on my spiritual/theological journey it’s interesting to see the dramatic changes that I’ve made to my world view and theology over the years. In high school I was the theology expert. I had it all figured out by the time I graduated. Then I got to Bible College and realized that I was young, naïve, and had suddenly become an intellectually tiny fish swimming around in a tank full of sharks. By the time I graduated I had grown up quite a bit. I had developed positions on important issues and was pretty confident in what I believed and able to defend my positions fairly well. After being a year out of college I feel like I’m back at square one. The smarter I get the dumber I feel.
I was always told that the study of God was an endless task because he is infinite and every question that we answer about him causes us to ask 7 or 8 new questions. But nobody told me that I would also have to go back and re-answer several previous questions whose answers would now be dependent on the new answer and would need to change in order to maintain unity in my worldview and consistency in my theology. So for every new answer I would receive 8 new questions and have to evaluate 6 old questions. Then for each of the 6 old questions I would receive 8 new and 6 old which brought the total up to 84 questions plus the original 8…. Confused yet… Me too.
My theological journey has been a constant ebb and flow. There’s tension between the desire to have an open mind and be willing to explore new areas of theological thought and the desire to hold on to what I know.It’s a roller coaster up and down, spinning sideways, with several loop-the-loops right in the middle and at times, it leaves me just as nauseous as the real thing. The constant tension and sudden drops in confidence is frustrating to say the least but I found some comfort this week as I was reading through the book of Acts. (Speaking of roller coasters, the picture to the right is me on splash mountain and I’m not faking it. I’m uncomfortable with heights… Don’t judge me!)